This website will document my ‘journey’ through clinical depression and anxiety; diagnosed in October 2012 after having what I now understand to be a ‘breakdown’ whilst at work. I clearly knew that something was building up inside, but I wasn’t prepared for what I now call my ‘light switch moment’ — a moment when everything changed and I went home with not only severe mental and physical exhaustion, but a headache, that to this day, has not fully cleared. I will perhaps reveal the symptoms in a range of posts, but in essence I have spent close to five thousand pounds on various treatments in order to try and attend to the horrendous physical symptoms this illness can bring. Make no mistake, the mind and body are not at all separate and as I will reveal at the very least it ‘batters’ the immune system.
In particular, the site it will focus on the effectiveness of mindfulness meditation as an effective treatment for this illness — and as a lifelong pursuit to prevent relapse. In my efforts to rid myself, or at least control, this horrible illness, and aid recovery, I have also made a commitment, when physically and mentally able, to undertake two ventures:
- To resume my passion for guitar playing and fulfill an ambition to perform live in the future;
- Set up a small screen printing studio where I can make graphic posters for ‘serious fun’.
Since being diagnosed, I have never been ashamed of my depression or anxiety. In fact, it’s well known that I am a “worry guts” and in many respects it is this constant worrying that seems to also define my good traits — of which I’m constantly told are many. Also, contrary to what I have always thought, having depression and anxiety does not mean you are going ‘mad’. I have of course learned that depression and anxiety affects at least one in five people during a lifetime, and my guess is that right now thousands of people are walking around feeling mentally and physically terrible; perhaps not realising they are suffering from mental health issues. That was me, until my ‘light switch moment’
So, I have thought long and hard (no pun intended) about writing this seemingly self-serving blog. I know that the world does not need another ‘naval gazing’ blog, but I’m going ahead because:
- I want, or should I say, ‘need’ an outlet for my ruminations, and;
- I believe in education; therefore, the contents of the blog might just help others, who are, or maybe in the future, in the same metaphorical boat;
- In just 5 short months I have already seen the ‘error of my ways’, and yet whilst I can’t claim to be anywhere near recovered I can at least point to areas of ‘life’ where I have simply got it abjectly wrong and perhaps you can avoid some of the pitfalls.
In particular, I hope that in the fulness of time the blog is of some use to educational practitioners. I’m currently on long term sick leave from my post as Senior Lecturer in a United Kingdom university. I don’t intend to make any commentaries on workplace stress because there is enough ‘out there’ already; moreover; my illness is pretty much of my own making. This is because anyone who has read anything about depression and anxiety (or stress for that matter) will tell you that generally it is one’s perception of events that cause the problem and not always the event itself. My employers have, in fact, been wonderfully supportive and this is in the face of very strained times for anyone who works in the sector of Higher Education.
Prior to commencing this blog I had conducted, some say ‘too much’ research into mindfulness and its benefits in treating anxiety and depression. In particular, amongst many others, I have read books by John Kabat-Zin, Mark Williams, Echart Tolle. In addition I have read several texts concerning Buddhism, which I have come to enjoy for the common sense perspective on life. This blog is not particularly spiritual in nature, but I do have a leaning towards a spiritual way of life and have done for a very long time.
Most people know me for my jokes and general fooling around. Don’t be fooled — it seems that depression doesn’t care for the jokers of this world: It’s victims are not just miserable people, but comedians and sports stars alike. And yes, men perhaps men do tend to hide their issues and therefore suffer mental health problems in silence. Not any more — and certainly not me!
Finally, the blog will be written with humour. Even though I often feel terrible I haven’t lost my sense of humour, in fact for me it’s one of the mysteries of the condition.
